This week I finally did it. After bouncing back and forth between the Republican and Democratic parties for the last 28 years, I called it quits. I, a former Republican candidate for state office, am no longer willing to wear that disagreeable label for another day. And before I begin to pile on solid reasons why, I should note that Democrats – pretty much to the person – believe in the most faith-based, asshattery version of Santa Claus economics since Karl Marx stained the minds of governments everywhere with his anti-market ramblings. So don’t gloat, Democrats!
And now a list of reasons why I’d be less self-conscious wearing my underwear outside of my trousers than being associated with the party of Dick Cheney, Chris Christie and Rick Santorum for one more day:
- Moar War! You want to fight simultaneous wars in Syria, Iran and the Ukraine? Have at it, just don’t tax my earnings to support your neo-mercantilist world empire that is effective only at creating massive debt at home and backlash abroad. Here, Republicans are nearly indistinguishable from Democrats; a neocon stew of defense contractors, Wall Street financiers, chicken hawks and people who think Israel is our 51st It is on exceptionally rare occasion that I approve any public policy embraced by Barry Obama, but I tip my hat to his choosing diplomacy over war with yet another Middleastistan country.
- Fathead fascist Chris Christie said he’d crack down on legalized marijuana if elected president. But prohibitions don’t work (see generally, The Prohibition, 1920-1933, and the absurd War on Drugs started by Richard Nixon and carried on gleefully by killjoy Republicans that sputter on about liberty and then ironically limit the amount of liberty consenting adults are permitted in engage in).
- Speaking of liberty, what about all the black and brown people caged in our prison-industrial complex, the biggest in the world? Other than Rand Paul, when is the last time you heard a Republican express concern about the liberty of those incarcerated for victimless crimes? Apparently Republicans are just too busy making yoga pants illegal to be on the forefront of criminal justice reform.
- Opposition to gay marriage. Thankfully, this is now close to a dead issue, but why get your knickers in a twist because your gay neighbors want to get married and suffer as much as heterosexual couples? Are Republicans afraid this added feature will attract more gays away from the ranks of straight people? Are Republican men afraid their wives will leave them and marry other women? As a libertarian, I am against government licensing of marriage of consenting adults; for millennia marriages were conducted by private organizations (churches) and would be better for everyone involved if marriage were recognized as the voluntary contract that it is.
- Jeb “Big Brother” Bush is on record advocating for a more powerful NSA. Admittedly, the Fourth Amendment, like much of the Constitution, is as effective restraining the government as Chris Christie’s hands are keeping him from pies and cakes, but Republicans (except those whose last name is Paul) have done exactly nothing to protect Americans from the warrantless spying accelerated by the Patriot Act and the Department of Homeland
- Because Sarah Palin fetishes are embarrassing. Yes, all politician fetishes are creepy, and that includes those who’ve turned Ronald Reagan into a totem, despite his rather awkward record of spending and borrowing more than Jimmy Carter ever did.
- Crony capitalism. Capitalism is empirically unmatched as the most humane method to raise the standard of living for the maximum amount of people everywhere. Unfortunately, capitalism gets a bad name from crony capitalism, its lazy, rent-seeking brother. Example: Republicans in the Pennsylvania legislature refuse to privatize the state liquor monopoly unless new mini-monopolies are granted to big box retailers and to the existing mini-monopolist species, the beer distributors. Name one Republican champion of Uber or Lift in the Pennsylvania legislature and I’ll buy you a Guinness.
- Liar liar pants on fire Republicans. Congressman Tim Murphy comes to mind, and he is the norm, not the exception. All of these frauds pay lip-service to limited government and balanced budgets, but when is the last time a Republican-led legislature actually made government smaller and less spend-ier?
- Immigration. There I said it, the third rail of American politics. Everything Republicans think they know about immigration is demonstrably false. The truth? More people mean more jobs. Immigrants historically are not net tax eaters. If you lose your job to a third world laborer with shitty English skills, maybe that’s nature’s way of telling you to refocus your career goals. And the worry that immigrants are more likely to vote Democrat? Well if you keep being such a douchebag to immigrants, what did you expect?
- Republicans and Democrats are as different as burritos and enchiladas, which is why we can blame mountebanks in both parties for the $100 trillion in unfunded mandates from Social Security and Medicare, endless wars, national debt that is too big to be repaid, central banking that tilts wealth toward Wall Street and away from Main Street and the reality that we spend half the week working to pay for a hugely intrusive, inefficient and expensive bureaucracy that regulates 98% of your daily life.
If you were not offended by this post, you either didn’t read the entire thing or you are as bat poop crazy libertarian as I am.