None of the Above (PA primary edition!)

Democratic voting is legalized bullying. That which you cannot do to your neighbor, mano-a-mano, you can instead inflict upon her in a voting booth. Does she want to host an immigrant family? Smoke a joint? Practice interior decorating without government approval? Keep what she earns? Not fund endless bombing campaigns of non-white nations? What is immoral and unethical between individuals receives the imprimatur of legitimacy if its source is a government-orchestrated election.

Most of you will disagree. Your candidate – you believe – will pass such legislation, enact such reforms and subdue your opponents in a way, and at no perceptible cost to you, that will make the sun shine brighter, your commute shorter, the poor richer, the rich poorer, your health healthier, your hamburgers more hamburgier, and, of course, appoint partisans who share your prejudices to usher in this glorious heaven on earth.

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If you still insist on queueing up to cast a vote that has an infinitesimal chance of changing the outcome of an election, I’ve prepared a free and handy Voting Guide:

Hillary Clinton – A mendacious grifter who brilliantly used government office to transform her middle class income into 1%’er status by cozying up to Wall Street and defense contractors, all while giving entirely unbelievable speeches that she is the champion of women and the underprivileged.

Reason to Vote for Hillary: You are well invested in GS and RTN stock.

Donald Trump – A pathological narcissist with a populist flair for pasting the worst economic myths into barely intelligible campaign speeches and lathering up the latent racism of working classes into his own unique brand of celebrity fascism.

Reason to Vote for Donald: You are so shitty at your job that you fear a non-English speaker will take your job (and likely your wife and dog, too).

Bernie Sanders – A cartoon character of a Fabian socialist who by some miracle has not noticed that coercive collectivization of income has spread misery and economic stagnation in every nation that succumbed to his Santa Claus economics.

Reason to Vote for Bernie: You believe in Santa Claus, unicorns, and have no idea that Che Guevara imprisoned gays and executed scores of political prisoners.

Ted Cruz – This early Bill Murray lookalike and darling of evangelicals promises to men who masturbate to Sarah Palin photos to make the sand “glow in the dark” in the Middle East. Very Christian, indeed.

Reason to Vote for Ted:  See Reason to Vote for Hillary.

John Kasich:  My fingers got bored just typing his name. Given that Nickelback has a better chance of being elected to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, I’m going to leave it at that.

Reason to Vote for John: You think vanilla ice cream is too spicy, and you secretly have a crush on Ted Cruz.

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